Lost
by lostwithoutahome
Summary: A mission ends with disastrous consequences for Clint and Natasha. Can he sacrifice everything to get her back, or will he die trying to bring her back?
1. Lost

One kiss was all it took for their walls to come crumbling down. Two of the finest agents in SHIELD at their most vulnerable.

Neither of them expected it to happen quite like this. To be honest it scared the shit out of both of them. Being with SHIELD neither of them had time to go out and find someone, and even then, what could they tell them?

But there in that clearing, with a nuclear war raging around them, not sure whether they would make it out in time, one kiss was the last thing both of them needed to do.

Clint's hand gently cupped her face and wiped the bloody hair out of Natasha's face and she whimpered slightly, the cut on her forehead burning with pain. She in turn wrapped an arm around Clint's neck, helping to keep them both upright. He deepened the kiss slightly, afraid that if he let her go, she'd be gone forever.

Natasha was in pain, but she would never tell him that, instead she let him hold her tighter than before, relishing in his taste and smell. Clint Barton, the man she grew to love, her saviour.

Clint broke the kiss only to see Natasha's eyes still closed.

"Nat? Nat?" he asked with panic in his voice. He looked at his assassins face and terror washed over him.

"Mm" she murmured, her head falling back.

"No! You stay with me! You hear? Stay with me Nat…help is coming" he gently laid her down on the grass and wiped the blood off of her forehead. She went silent. Clint panicked like he had never panicked before. He pulled the red headed assassin into his arms and cried.

Natasha could hear him but couldn't see him. And she wanted to see him. So badly. She wanted to open her eyes and see him smiling, but her body had betrayed her. She heard him sobbing.

"Natasha Romanoff… you weren't supposed to die first remember? That was our deal. I die before you. That's the way it has to be. I don't care if I die right beside you right now. I just want you to know that I died protecting you. God Tash! Come on!" he begged. He could see the shallow rise and fall of her chest and he sought some comfort from that but not much. He wanted to grow old with her. He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. How would he survive if she died right now?

Natasha couldn't see anything. Every time she tried to open her eyes or move her arm to caress his face, she was overcome by pain. She needed to see his face. To tell him the three words that she knew were his. _I love you_. The words ran through her mind thousands of times. And he held her…the way he held her made her feel like she was finally at him. She didn't want to die…but it was inevitable.

Clint dabbed at her bleeding head wound before adding more pressure…she was bleeding out faster than he could stop it. The one thing that kept going around in his head; _keep her comfortable. Make it easier for her to go. She knows you've done everything possible. _He shook the thought out immediately but moved himself into a position so her head was on his chest, with his arms around her.

She was still breathing.


	2. Waiting

He stayed by her bedside for the weeks after the mission. People had come and gone but he stayed. He refused to leave her side even while he was being treated. Nothing changed. She had lost so much blood. He had brought her back more than a dozen times, each time taking considerably longer than the last. He needed her to survive.

"Barton? We need you at the Carrier" came Fury's voice through the Comms device.

"No go Director. I'm staying here." He replied, before ripping the earpiece out and throwing it away. He looked at Natasha then, her body withering away into nothing.

"Come on Tasha…fight this one. I promise I'll look after you. I'll love you like no one has ever loved before. I want to be with you. I _need_ to be with you. I'll let you know how much I love you every day. Just please…don't leave me." He whispered, kissing her hand gently. He paced the room then, his steps in time with her heart beat. That was how he coped. He'd dreamt of proposing to her one day… how he'd do it, what he'd say. He knew which ring to get and how he could get his friends to help.

_Friends_, he thought, running a hand through his hair. They'd visited but only for a short amount of time. Pepper and Jane were both emotional wrecks, seeing their friend attached to machines. She couldn't breathe on her own, so there was a machine doing it for her. She looked too still…too small in that bed, surrounded by all those machines.

Clint looked at the whiteboard above her head.

_Natasha Romanoff #174501_

_G: F _

_Age: 26_

_Family: Unknown_

The last sentence made him feel even worse. She had no family…or no idea who they were. She knew she had a mother and a father, but she can't remember either of them, what they looked like, their names, where they lived, and each time she tried to remember she passed out. Clint hated the Red Room for what they had done to her…what they had taken from her. He moved away from her side then, anger boiling inside him.

The glass door opened then and he turned to face whatever was coming through it. It was Banner.

"What the _hell _took you so _bloody_ long?!" he almost shouted. Bruce could see the worry etched on Clint's face and he grimaced.

"I'm afraid the news isn't all good Clint" he told him. He thought it was better to come straight out with the truth and worry about the consequences later.

"What do you mean?" Clint seemed calmer, but Bruce could see his rage, boiling just below the surface. He knew it all too well.

"The bad news… We don't know when or even if she'll wake up. The good news is, we can move her to another private place…not a hospital but with access to the world's greatest medical technology." Bruce looked him over, seeing his tired eyes and face, knowing he hadn't slept in a few days.

Clint sorted through this new information running through his brain, and he didn't care. As long as Nat was out of the hospital and somewhere where there weren't bells and other shit going off every two minutes. He nodded once.

"When?" Clint asked, moving back over to her.

"Tomorrow" Brue answered, knowing Clint would want it done as soon as possible. He nodded and left the room, leaving Clint and Natasha in the room.


	3. A Prayer

**So I just wanted to thank you guys! You're all pretty amazing!**

* * *

Clint sat by her side, whispering prayer to himself. He had never been one to pray, he knew nothing came good of it and was not religious in anyway. He knew Natasha would have his ass if she knew what he was doing right now. He pulled a pen out of his jacket and borrowed the napkin that was still sitting on top of his dinner, unopened and uneaten. He began to write.

_Natasha Romanoff._

_I promised that I would protect you as my partner and you would do the same for me. I never meant you had to take that bullet. I never meant that you had to take that beating that was given to you. All those reasons…they're why you're lying here. And I don't know if you're ever going to wake up. They say there's too much fluid in your brain… and in your lungs. And I did that to you Nat… I did that. Fury doesn't understand. No one does and I don't understand why they don't. I need you to wake up Tasha…I need to see your green eyes…I need to hear your voice, even if you tell me off. I need to see your smile. I'm drifting away here Nat. I can't stay here forever. Please Nat. Come back._

He didn't realize the tears in his eyes until he closed them. He placed the napkin/letter in her hand and walked around the room. He didn't know who to call or what to do. He had never been in this situation before and it scared him. Someone he cared about…someone he _loved_ was lying in that bed and there wasn't a goddamn thing he could do to stop anything from happening. He tried to be strong in front of people, and it worked for the most part. The only person besides Nat who he'd let his shield drop was Pepper…and Pepper just had that effect on everyone. He looked at his watch, it was 2am… too early and too late to call her now. Clint was stuck. He wanted to go to the roof and scream to skies to bring her back. He wanted to tell whoever listened that there was nothing he could do. His head thought ahead, thinking about organizing things…her funeral…what he'd say to everyone else as he explained what sort of a woman Natasha was. He didn't realize he was griping the chair handles so tightly until they began to crack. He got up and walked out of the room and to the roof.

There, he felt a bit better…he was out of that environment but still very much in it.

"HELLO?" he yelled to the sky. "If you can hear me you son of a bitch, you bring her back to me. You bring her back please! I don't know how much longer I can do this for. I can't keep fighting this anymore. I need her to be alive. I need her back here. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here. I prayed to you! Every single night for the past three months! You've never answered! Why won't you answer?!" Clint was on his knees, the tears coming freely. He was praying – pleading – to someone who wasn't there.

He sat there for a little longer, gaining his composure before going back inside. When he got there, his heart stopped.

The bed was empty.


	4. Waiting Again

He ran to the nurses station, his heart racing. What had happened? He looked down at his watch…the watch she had given him for his birthday…he'd been gone five hours. His face went cold.

"Where is she?!" he demanded. The petite nurse looked up from the book she was reading and blinked.

"Who?" she asked, completely disinterested. Clint was angry now.

"Natasha Romanoff, room 4A." he seethed through his teeth. She typed into the computer and clicked her tongue.

"She's been taken to surgery…something about getting the swelling down?" she looked up at him and he smiled tightly in return and turned away, pulling out his phone.

"Banner? She's gone in for surgery. The stupid doctors think they can get the swelling down" his tone was bitter. He didn't like hospitals. And with good reason.

"_Hey Clint?" Natasha asked lazily, soaking up the sun. The way the sun hit her hair made Clint feel like he was on fire._

"_Yeah?" he answered, looking her over. He knew they'd be called away eventually. _

"_One of these days, you or I are going to end up in a hospital. But I want you to promise me something. Can you do that?" she asked, her eyes sad. Clint sat up straight away, thinking over her words. _

"_Anything" he replied. _

"_Don't let me die in there. Please. If it comes to it, you take my body and run. I don't want to die in a hospital Clint." The tone of her voice let him know she was dead serious. _

"_I will if you will" He answered, trying to add a smile on the end of his words. _

"_I know Clint, I asked them too. It'll be safer that way. Trust me"_ Banner answered and then hung up. Clint swore to himself before stalking off to grab some coffee.

A couple more hours passed and Clint's eyes were closing. He was completely and utterly exhausted. Caffeine wasn't doing anything anymore, people's voices all melded into one and he couldn't block it out. These few hours without seeing Nat were probably the best hours that he had had for the last four months. He was able to get some shut eye.

Or so he thought.

"Mr. Barton?" a woman in scrubs shook his shoulder. He was alert the minute her hand rested on his shoulder.

"Yes?" he looked up.

"Miss Romanoff has been returned to her room." She answered. Clint's eyes sparkled.

"Has there been any change?" he asked, eager to know the details.

"Uh" she looked away and Clint grabbed her arm.

"Please tell me" he pleaded.

"We managed to relieve some of the pressure in her skull. While she was under and flat lined. Twice." The nurse replied. Clint let go of her and sat back down.

"She can't do anything on her own can she?" he asked, his voice dropping.

"We don't know just yet. There was some response, some positive signs. Her blood pressure is coming back up to normal, her heart beat is regular and her temperature is self-sustaining." The nurse sat down next to him. "We've just got to give her some more time. She's the one who's fighting the most to stay here." She got up and patted his shoulder before walking out the door.

Clint felt relief wash over him. He knew something good would have to come out of this last operation. Her other visible injuries had healed, scars remained, as they always do, long ago. All she had to do now was choose. He wondered what she was dreaming about…if she was even dreaming.

He walked into her room, a familiar sight, the machines around her making noises every so often, this time she had a bandage around her head. God was she going to kill him. If things ever got this bad, she'd want the plug pulled, no questions asked. If there was no change in the next two weeks, the plug would be pulled no matter what.

A lot can happen in two weeks.


	5. The Rise and Fall

It was like she was changing. The colour was returning to her cheeks and she began to look like herself. Clint continued to stay by her side, watching as one by one, the machines were being removed. Clint was glad they weren't in the hospital anymore. It meant he could get some sleep.

"Clint?" Banner asked one morning. Clint straightened himself up in the chair.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Natasha seems to be on the mend. We've agreed to take out her breathing tube today. It's the 13th today. If she can breathe on her own then we're on the home leg." Banner placed and hand on Clint's shoulder. Clint just sighed and let the news sink in. It was now or never.

"Thanks Bruce. And I mean it. Thank you for everything you have done. It's been a long few months, and I'm pretty sure I've said some things that were pretty horrible." Clint said sincerely.

"All is forgiven. We'll be in soon to take out the respiratory tube" Bruce answered and left the room.

Clint picked up Natasha's hand, kissing it gently.

"Alright Nat, today's the day. You show that you're strong enough. I know you can do it. Please for me." He murmured. He knew it was D-Day. He talked to her for the next half hour before Bruce and Tony walked in.

"Clint, it's time" Tony said sadly. Clint stood up, unsteadily and nodded.

"You need to leave the room buddy. We'll let you know if something happens okay?" Bruce told him softly. Clint nodded again and left the room. He'd already said his goodbyes if she wasn't going to pull through this. He also made a promise. That he would protect her and love her as much as he could. He couldn't abandon her, not after everything.

Pepper came over to him and hugged him, as did Steve, Thor and Jane. Their family was there. Ready for any outcome. They all looked toward the room, waiting.

Inside, Tony and Bruce were getting ready to pull the tube out. Tony, Iron Man, had tears in his eyes. He wasn't sure what was going to happen. He felt horrible that he'd never been able to apologize to her for what he had done to her while she was watching out for him.

"You ready?" Bruce asked, breaking the silence. Tony looked at him, and he could see it took every ounce of his strength to not break, or worse, turn into _him_.

"As I'll ever be" he stood by her vitals equipment. Bruce injected some adrenaline into her IV line, hoping that it would kick start her awakening process. He released the clamp from her tube and slowly pulled it out. Then they waited.

Natasha's vitals were dropping. It was becoming clear to them that she wasn't coming back to them. They couldn't tell Clint. They'd been giving him false hope for so long. The men looked at each other and then at the door.

How could they tell him that she was gone?

"Give her more adrenaline." Tony was pleading, watching his friend's heart beat slowing down. Bruce had turned the sound off of the machine so the others wouldn't be able to hear what was going on.

_I don't understand, she was getting better. She was improving. Her stats were better every day._ Bruce thought to himself. He gave her another 3ml of adrenaline but she still falling. Her breaths were wheezy and shallow.

She wasn't ready.

Tony had tears in his eyes, begging silently for her to wake up, to open her eyes. But she didn't. She wasn't going to. He looked at Bruce again, worried about what he'd do. Would he Hulk out? And what about himself? How would he cope with this? Losing someone important to him? It's not as if he hadn't felt pain before because he had, it was more the fact that Natasha understood him. Not like Pepper did, but she understood more about him than he did, and it scared him that she knew so much. He wished they'd met under different terms, to give her a better first impression. All that hope was gone now as she continued to plummet.


	6. News

Clint waited anxiously outside the room. And by waiting he was pacing a hole in the floor. Pepper tried to calm him down to no avail. Steve was nervous, Thor even seemed concerned about Clint, but he didn't give a shit. What mattered was what was going on behind that door. He wasn't sure what news he was ready to hear. He knew it'd either be good or bad.

"What's taking them so long?" he asked out loud. Everyone turned to look at him and his hands covered his face. Pepper placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll go and find out Clint." She offered but he stopped her. He knew Pepper. If things had gone wrong, he'd be able to tell straight away that it was over.

"No. I want to wait" he replied, trying to smile up at her.

* * *

_A white room, pristine, pure and innocent. The wind flowing through the lace curtains allowed her to relish in the cool breeze. She didn't know where she was, but she was comfortable. An image on the nightstand caught her attention and she wandered over to it. In the oak frame lay a picture. "Clint and Natasha 13.3.2012". her hand ran over the image of the man, the man who meant so much to her in the short time they were together. His grey eyes almost looked like they were searching hers, as if he was searching for answers. She chuckled as she thought of him, the way he would always go to the roof. The way he'd taunt her during practice, to get her riled up and ready for anything he threw at her. Clint Barton. The love of her life. _

_A tear fell down her cheek then, knowing that she could never go back. She knew what this room was now. _

_It was home._

* * *

"Bruce?" Tony asked, watching the machine above Natasha's head. It was getting slower and slower.

Natasha had fought hard. She pulled through every surgery they put her through; she overcame bad turns and fell further than was necessary, but she always rallied. It was like she couldn't let go.

"We have to tell the others. They'll need…they'll need to say…goodbye" Bruce said roughly, his voice wavering. Tony nodded.

"I'll let Clint know." He said as he walked out of the room.

Clint was suddenly right in front of him.

"What's going on?" he asked, grabbing his friend's shoulder. Tony sighed and gestured for him to sit down. When he didn't budge Tony sighed again.

"Natasha…she's…she's not going to wake up Clint." He said softly. He looked at Clint then, and watched the emotions play over his face. He completely withdrew into himself. He looked shocked, hurt, angry, shocked again, lost and finally the first tears fell. Pepper walked up behind Tony, wrapped her arms around him and cried. She knew what was happening now. Clint collapsed to the ground, overcome by grief.


	7. The Two Words He Dare Not Speak

**So this is pretty much the end of this story, may add epilogue if I can get my emotions in order!**

* * *

Clint's whole word came crashing down. He was so sure she would make it. He knew she'd make it. She promised him! His sobs ripped through him faster than he could stop them. He didn't want to say those words. Those final words. His heart was in shreds. He couldn't handle it, not living without her, how was he going to cope?

After a few minutes, he gathered his wits and emotions and walked into her room. Everyone else was there, saying their goodbyes and farewells. Clint know he couldn't say it. So he sat by her side and held her hand. He held it to his lips and kissed it gently.

"No matter where you go, I'll be there soon, protecting you. That's my promise to you Nat. I'll live for you from now on in. You're the one I'm counting on to be my guardian angel. I know you don't believe in that crap, but I want to. I want to believe that you're going to someplace better, better than this place. I just pray that you are. Thank you for some of the greatest memories of my life. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for being who you are, and showing me that you can kick my ass. I love you Tasha" – the words got caught in his throat – "I'll see you soon. I…I love you."

And with that, after everything, after everyone had said their piece, she opened her eyes and smiled.

A long singular tone rang out throughout the Tower.

Natasha was gone.


	8. The End Or Is It?

**Thank you for the reviews! Here's my gift for you guys. Please continue with the reviews, I never know if I'm doing the right thing or not. :) **

***takes bow***

* * *

Nothing could have prepared them for this. They always knew Natasha was a fighter. They just didn't know how much fight she had in her. Bruce had asked everyone else to leave but Clint. Clint could stay a few minutes before they had to cover her. In those few minutes Clint held himself together, only letting a single tear slide down his face. He wasn't going to show them how broken he was inside because that was who he was. He admitted to himself that he was weak. He was most definitely a broken man. He was just glad she saw him one last time. Clint kissed her lips one last time before removing himself from the room.

Once he was out of that room he ran, and he didn't stop. If he could fly, he would have. When he finally stopped he looked to the sky.

In that moment he thought of every possible way to end his life. He didn't care anymore. He was done with the world. They couldn't save her. What hope would they have of saving him? In the back of his mind a voice kept calling out telling him to stop thinking those things. Nothing good would come of it, he'd only end up dead. There was no heaven or hell waiting for him, or for anyone, it was just dark and lonely. There was nothing he could do. He had to survive.

When he made it back to their apartment he didn't know what to do. There was no way he was packing her stuff up. There was no way he was getting rid of her memory, her legacy. And yet everything in that small space screamed pain at him. Though she didn't live there long with him, her memory was etched in the walls. Clint smiled, thinking of the time the two of them nearly burned down the kitchen. He walked over to the couch and sat down, laying his head back, wishing that it was all just a horrible dream.

* * *

When he came to it was light out. He hadn't dreamt or woken in that time. He wondered if it was Natasha that allowed him to do that. She had always said she'd protect him too.

There was a knock on the door and he answered it. "Come in." Pepper walked in, slowly at first to see if anything had changed. The room was still in order, which shocked her.

"We hadn't heard from you in a couple of days…we were worried" she said softly, sitting down next to him.

"What are you talking about? I saw you yesterday" Clint responded, looking confused.

"It's the 16th today Clint" Pepper answered, checking her phone. "We just wanted to make sure you hadn't done anything that's all"

Clint was now shocked. He'd slept for two days. What had happened in those two days? Where had they gone?

"Okay" he said slowly. "What's up Pepper?"

"We're making arrangements for Nat. I was wondering if you had a picture of her that you like the most" she responded, still not looking at him. Clint chuckled.

"I like them all…but the one by the door, that's my favourite." He answered. Pepper smiled slightly before getting up and taking the frame off the wall. Tears formed in her eyes as she looked at her best friend, laughing, care-free, now to be buried in two days.

"Thanks" she murmured as she left. Clint felt even worse without that image there. But he wasn't about to let them see the damage. He made his way over to the desk and sat down, pulling over a pad of paper and a pen. He began to write.

* * *

Those two days came and went quicker than expected. Clint woke up and went about his usual routine. When it came to dressing, he wasn't going to wear SHIELD attire. He was going to wear what she loved most, and the thing he despised most, a suit.

After he had straightened it out he practiced what he was going to say, over and over again, attempting to keep a straight face.

There was a knock at the door and Pepper walked in.

"You ready?" she asked, shimmying her dress down. Clint looked at her and could already tell she'd been crying. He just nodded and left the room without saying anything.

At the cemetery a small number of people were gathered around a casket. This was all becoming real. Clint didn't want it to be real.

"Today we are here to say farewell to Natasha Romanoff. A beloved friend, colleague and sister to many of us. She fought a good fight. Now it's time to wish her safety in a new life" the priest began. Clint looked at the Cedar polished casket, an engraved bronze plaque on the side read: _Natasha Romanoff. Friend. Colleague. Love. Gone but never forgotten. 13.3.2013. _

Clint's eyes filled up with tears and he hurriedly wiped them away. The priest gestured to Clint to walk forward. And he did so, like the good little soldier he was.

He cleared his throat and pulled out his piece of paper.

"You know when I first met Natasha, she held a gun to my head and asked me why she shouldn't shoot me now? And you know what I said? I told her she shouldn't because I wouldn't look too good spread all over the bell tower. And she smiled. Her first genuine smile. I know I was a smart ass to her those first few months, but after I got her into SHIELD, she was perfect. It took time for us to get to know what the other person was like. Now I know. She was a fighter, a protector, a promise keeper. She was everything she wanted to be and so much more. She meant more than anything to me, and the last twelve months of her life, although she wasn't here to see it, made me realize who she was to me. She was the love of my life. The promises we made to each other, we kept. The nightmares we had, the other would calm us down; allow us to focus on what was real. Yes Natasha had a hell of an upbringing, but piece by piece that guard in her head was coming down. She'd kill me for saying this, but she was softer than people thought. I loved her more than my own life. I know it and she knows it. She'd also tell you all to stop crying and carry on, because that's how it is. She was real. She didn't sugarcoat anything. You wanted the truth, you got the truth. So thank you Natasha, for showing me how to be real and true to myself and others around me. I love you. Forever" he finished. He'd managed to stay emotionless but it was only a matter of time before they overcame him

No one else could think of anything to say after that. The priest said some more prayers, but Clint had zoned out.

The time came to lower her casket into the ground. Clint rose from his seat and placed a single white camellia on top of her casket. The others looked on in wonder. Then in turn, Tony and Pepper, Steve, Bruce, Thor and Jane and Director Fury each placed a blood red rose where his lay.

As it was lowered into the ground Clint let out two words.

"Goodbye Nat"

Across the field stood a figure in a black long coat. Her hair, fire red.

* * *

**;)**


End file.
